Going to grandma's
Danny, my four-year-old, had the right idea to buy birthday cake. After all, it was my mother's 78th. This time last year we celebrated her birthday with a phone call to her room at an Iowa nursing home. This year, we celebrated it in her apartment at our house.
We are among 51.4 million American families who have two or more generations living under the same roof. Some ethnic groups, such as Hispanics and Asians, have always encouraged these type of living arrangements. It is a cultural strength to maintain strong family bonds.Caucasian Americans have become more accepting of the arrangement as a consequence of the economy and, in the last two years, multi-generational housing arrangements have grown by 25 percent,
My mother grew up in a multi-generational household with her parents, two brothers, and my great-grandmother. When you ask my mother who taught her to knit, she'll tell you her grandmother. While this arrangement might have had its challenges for my grandmother and her mother, my mother has only positive things to say about her relationship with her grandmother.
When I had my first son, Christopher, I asked my mother to consider this arrangement with us. For a few years, after my father died, my mother helped us in a myriad of ways. When I returned to work after maternity leave, she came to the house everyday to babysit her first grandson and had dinner ready for us by the time my husband and I got home from work.
But as time passed, circumstances changed and my husband's jobs took us to different towns and states, and we had less face-to-face contact with my mother. But in nearly every phone call with my mother, we asked her if she wanted to consider sharing a house. It only took us 14 years and an 8-month stay in a nursing home, but we finally convinced her.
My mother has slowed down this past year. She doesn't drive anymore and she shuffles through the house in her wheelchair. But her mind is still good and her presence gives another layer of adult stability that kids today seem to lack. On many school mornings, older son, Chris, eats breakfast with Grandma and makes sure the curtains in her living room are open to the outside world. In the afternoons, younger son, Danny, and I sit with Grandma and share snacks and stories about trucks and tractors. On weekends, everyone helps Grandma piece her puzzles together and ask questions about what life was like when she was a kid. Occassionally, everyone plays a raucous game of poker.
The relationship between a grandkid and grandmother is far different than the relationship between a kid and a mother.When I scold my younger son, he runs to grandma who gives him a hug and sends him on his way. When mother and daughter have a disagreement, the close proximity requires we practice a great deal of "biting our tongues."
Also, family members need to discuss beforehand financial arrangements and who has the final say in how children are raised. It's one thing to be spoiled at grandma's and then sent home; it's another to be spoiled by grandma at home. Another important, but difficult, conversation is to clearly understand how your elderly relative wants to be treated if her health further declines. In many communities, home health care agencies can provide adjunct care so family members can have respite from the responsibilities of errand running and transporting to doctors' appointments.
When generations decide to live together, finding a house large enough to accommodate them can be daunting. Some families choose to build an addition to a current house, or others, like us, move to a different house with "mother-in-law" quarters.
Our house has a 2,000 square foot four-bedroom main section and a 1,000 square-foot two bedroom attached apartment. The laundry room with a wooden pocket door allows us to close the two sections off for privacy. The apartment has a kitchenette, dining area, handicapped accessible bathroom, and living room.
Our part of the house is bigger, but just like when we lived apart, the grandkids would rather hang out at Grandma's.
We are among 51.4 million American families who have two or more generations living under the same roof. Some ethnic groups, such as Hispanics and Asians, have always encouraged these type of living arrangements. It is a cultural strength to maintain strong family bonds.Caucasian Americans have become more accepting of the arrangement as a consequence of the economy and, in the last two years, multi-generational housing arrangements have grown by 25 percent,
My mother grew up in a multi-generational household with her parents, two brothers, and my great-grandmother. When you ask my mother who taught her to knit, she'll tell you her grandmother. While this arrangement might have had its challenges for my grandmother and her mother, my mother has only positive things to say about her relationship with her grandmother.
When I had my first son, Christopher, I asked my mother to consider this arrangement with us. For a few years, after my father died, my mother helped us in a myriad of ways. When I returned to work after maternity leave, she came to the house everyday to babysit her first grandson and had dinner ready for us by the time my husband and I got home from work.
But as time passed, circumstances changed and my husband's jobs took us to different towns and states, and we had less face-to-face contact with my mother. But in nearly every phone call with my mother, we asked her if she wanted to consider sharing a house. It only took us 14 years and an 8-month stay in a nursing home, but we finally convinced her.
My mother has slowed down this past year. She doesn't drive anymore and she shuffles through the house in her wheelchair. But her mind is still good and her presence gives another layer of adult stability that kids today seem to lack. On many school mornings, older son, Chris, eats breakfast with Grandma and makes sure the curtains in her living room are open to the outside world. In the afternoons, younger son, Danny, and I sit with Grandma and share snacks and stories about trucks and tractors. On weekends, everyone helps Grandma piece her puzzles together and ask questions about what life was like when she was a kid. Occassionally, everyone plays a raucous game of poker.
The relationship between a grandkid and grandmother is far different than the relationship between a kid and a mother.When I scold my younger son, he runs to grandma who gives him a hug and sends him on his way. When mother and daughter have a disagreement, the close proximity requires we practice a great deal of "biting our tongues."
Also, family members need to discuss beforehand financial arrangements and who has the final say in how children are raised. It's one thing to be spoiled at grandma's and then sent home; it's another to be spoiled by grandma at home. Another important, but difficult, conversation is to clearly understand how your elderly relative wants to be treated if her health further declines. In many communities, home health care agencies can provide adjunct care so family members can have respite from the responsibilities of errand running and transporting to doctors' appointments.
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| Our house with mother-in-law quarters on the right and the main house on the left. |
Our house has a 2,000 square foot four-bedroom main section and a 1,000 square-foot two bedroom attached apartment. The laundry room with a wooden pocket door allows us to close the two sections off for privacy. The apartment has a kitchenette, dining area, handicapped accessible bathroom, and living room.
Our part of the house is bigger, but just like when we lived apart, the grandkids would rather hang out at Grandma's.
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